Chasing pavements

Welcome to the four-year chase.

Imagine how huge the impact was to me, investing emotions, and strength to something very uncertain and hoping for someone to finally get the courage to fight for whatever relationship we have.

It started merely as an admiration, like appreciating someone for their skills and attitude. It was normal to get that feeling for a person who has dancing talents and laughs so hard like thunder. It would be a total fall.

I did fall. That’s why I was broken.

This is the chase for the love I thought I deserve. I’ve given so much time and effort for someone just to gradually lose them someday.

We we’re classmates but not in the same group of friends. Well, basically I got no real friends to begin with. I was the type who hangs out with whoever was available. I was, in theory, a loner.

I was inspired by the presence that person brings. We were able to finally got the chance to spend a moment when we went to buy our department uniform somewhere around Recto, Manila.

It was the end of our summer courses and two weeks more to go before the next semester begins. We exchanged numbers and became text mates, which is the normal trend for teenage kids.

Things between us developed, then suddenly, there were sparks. It was all just within that two-week period. We went on talking about relationships, flirted with each other and I took the courage to ask how about if we actually enter into it and try. Just try.

And the trial begins. We continued to flirt and exchange sweet messages. I’ve thrown ‘I love you’ but did not receive the same. It was okay.

On the third day of trying, with no traces or even a goodbye message left, that person was gone. There was no closure or anything.

Then, I began to regret getting into a relationship that made me lose something that could’ve stayed if I only settled on being friends. I wanted more, but then, I lost it all.

We still attended the same university but not classmates anymore as there is yearly resectioning in our department.

Things went unfortunate and we had one subject together, Physical education. It was the testimony of fate to bring forth solid evidences in front of my face which affirmed I totally lost the case. We bumped into each other many times but never spoke, nor our eyes chose to meet. It was then rumoured that my presence has been considered as this person’s burden. It was the closure I was waiting.

Few months later, after entering different relationships trying to fix myself but ended up getting more broken, I made the decision to message the person who abandoned me, the four-year chase. It went wrong from there as I received a response and we started exchanging messages again.

I was vulnerable.

I checked the tweets made for the past months, and there are certain posts I wrongfully assumed to be about me. This time, however, there was ‘I love you too’. I became foolishly hopeful from that. But history repeated itself. After just a few days, all was gone again and I’m more broken than before.

I went on with my life braving and fighting each day, focusing on things that matter most.

When I thought everything healed, the person I long been wanting to forget, came back. This time, I am the one who was messaged, asking if I got time to spare.

I agreed to meet. I made time. Seeing each other after a long time, all the love I have before felt as fresh as ever. We just talked about each other’s struggles with the programs we are taking that time. And yes, as expected, it was just about that meet up and no communication again afterwards.

Time flew fast. I’ve graduated and crazy as it may seem, four-year chase congratulated me. It was an attempt to come back to my life to which I willingly agreed. It’s like I opened the doors of my house for a person who could potentially rob me off and break everything inside.  We began talking again about so-sos and whatnots. We reconciled and discussed about why I was left behind and how it has become habitual. It lasted for a while. Yes, it lasted only for a while.

After telling me that I was loved back, that my feelings were reciprocated, that I am important and that I was wanted, still, I was left behind. How absurd was that?

I continued with my life. It also continued the way it has always been. We had seasonal communication, but not so demanding and intimate anymore.

Passing the board, I was congratulated. Landing my first job, I was congratulated. I believe our relationship was meant to stay this way—talking to each other only when there is any achievement to congratulate each other for.

We continued exchanging dearly and loving messages until we had the chance to meet each other on a mutual friend’s celebration. I had the most awkward feeling at the time. We went there together, stuck in traffic and seated beside each other.

I thought it would be the right time for us to make a fresh start, however, that celebration marked the start of our end.

Our relationship is rooted mainly from all the hopefulness I developed from the promises that was made to me. I chased and chased over and over again because I thought I was so in love of the person. But I was not. I was in love more on the feeling of falling in love.

I realised from that moment that my feelings have already ended. I was blinded by the thought of taking revenge and giving back the pain. I got more broken in the end. The feelings were real, however, they were driven by hate and vengeance. So, I had to quit.

I know in that moment I have so much love to give and I am just waiting for the right person to receive it. Some of it, I’ve given to other persons, but it did not change the fact that there are still more I can offer.

The four-year chase was the phenomenon I consider the journey of significant learnings. It was my first-hand experience of promises getting broken continuously by the same person.

It was an on-and-off relationship and it was real, but it’s not destined to stay. It served only as a learning and experience just so I could love more and be loved by the right person or should I say the person who will always choose to do right.

It is our choice to hurt someone we love, and it is also our choice to be hurt in return. What’s important are the learnings we acquired by getting more broken. Because love is giving someone the authority to break you in so many ways possible without your control.

But no matter how broken, we can only go on with our life hoping for someone to come and find us.

I honestly do not know when did I stop the chase and start to move on. I was just lucky enough to find the person who made me realise I already have.

___

Title inspired by Adele’s Chasing Pavements.

Photo provided by pexels.

any corrections, issues, or concerns. please send a message.

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