Depression: battles, friendship and triumph

I have no exact idea if depression is common to every human being but I’ve read that sadness and grief are normal emotions everyone has experienced.

However, depression is so much more.

For the young, low self-esteem is one the effects of depression. Once we felt that we no longer serve a purpose or our life no longer justify our existence, we easily become suicidal.

I’ve been there.

But my depression is not substantially rooted on low self-esteem alone but more on disappointments and anger towards people I had serious affairs or troubles with. I am so far from suicidal since it is mainly grounded from the thoughts of vengeance and getting even. Looking back, my previous self was such a pitiful and pathetic person, in no offense to others who felt or did the same thing, that I overcame.

Depression is not a trend or a joke, it is widely existent across the world. A depressed person gets more depressed when people of no substantial knowledge of the case speak like depression is just a trendy thing. At least do not compare others to what you set as standard for yourself. One thing that drives a person to say that depression is a joke is they never actually experienced it, or they have little knowledge of it, or they’re lucky enough to not be abused growing up. Believe me, those abuse and feeling of emptiness are haunting, and depressed persons are welcoming enough to receive them.

You can tell us that we just overly react, or we only make our situations dramatic to get attention. You are correct somehow, we want attention, but not from you. We want attention from people who are important to us, those who made us feel this way.

I support the battle against depression because I’ve been there. I cried myself to sleep. I hated myself. I hated everyone. I’ve counted people to get revenge on just to finally reach the end to it, which is myself.  Step on my shoes, and if you will ever make it still and grow to be the person I am today without doing something to this thing I call depression, I will then believe that my entire life experience was a joke.

But you can never know.

You will only be limited to your own mindset and experiences just as I am. Unless we learn to accept that we go through different struggles, that we have varying amounts of bravery to use to face or accept our life’s challenges, that no matter the weight of the problems we carry, each of us have our own limit of heavy. Our problems may exactly have the same weight when generally measured but still, they have different impact and different effects.

We don’t have the same amount of strength, and the same measuring device.

Despite all the achievements and the praises I received, it did not stop depression on conquering me. I felt back then that I was never good enough. I felt I can never be all the things my parents want me to become. Being the top in class, I was so afraid to become second, and when I did, I had to convince myself that I’m still worth more than the achiever me has to offer.

I was attacked by some of my middle school teachers, emotionally. Unknowingly, they have tortured me every time one of them compared me to my older brother and tell me how disappointing I was. I had to endure that for years just because I wanted to prove myself and I wanted to obey my parents. I developed deep-rooted anger towards people. Studying hard and proving them wrong was my greatest rebellion. My achievements became motivated mainly by hatred, revenge and disappointments. I was my self’s only remaining person to not disappoint me. I had to make something out of myself that I can use to step on just to rise above those people who made me feel I am never good enough no matter how hard I try. I had to keep on making remarkable achievements just so I could build up the confidence to stand in front of people without my hands trembling and my body shaking.

You may think that being my parent’s son was a very good life. I was the favourite. I was the most privileged amongst us all. But you know what, I felt I had to prove myself even to them. Every day was the same struggle just as the battles I had to fight with anyone else. This is not to give my parents a dark side, but I always felt that I am only given the privileges because I am a viable investment guaranteed with great profits. I did not blame them because I think they’ve done the right thing to me. I blamed the voice inside my head saying I am only loved for the things I can give them and not for who I am. It is the voice inside my head that I so much blamed for playing tricks on me and making me a slave—of fear, of anger, of disappointments.

Thankfully, I overcame them all. The fears, anger and disappointments I have for myself and for other people were rid and casted out of my being. And I did not do it alone. For many times, I will always tell you that it is the people who accepted me and loved me for who I am that made me win over my depression. I will forever be grateful.

Please don’t invalidate other people’s struggles just as you don’t want them to invalidate yours. We all have our own battles, and we should focus on fighting our own. If you can’t be of aid, at least don’t be of additional weight to lift.

I might be right with where the hate is coming from.

Maybe you think today’s kids are so attention-seeker that they’d go on faking mental health issue as part of their issues. Some do that merely for attention, but why focus on nullifying everyone’s supposed to be serious issue when you could find the time to know which ones are merely seeking attention? Ah, now I get it. Criticising in general is much more comfortable than going on one by one finding those that are truly guilty.

I battled depression on a day to day basis.

It is not a one-time decision where after deciding I instantly became okay. No. I made each decision every day. I fought for my life every day. I convinced myself to live more each day and give up again another day and continued the same process until I reached the mindset that I have today.

Don’t. Ever. Give Up. On Yourself.

Friends who are under depression, don’t ever give up. Find the courage to go on with your life even if you feel that you are no longer needed in this world. You are needed. You are important. You are lovable.

Make friends, true friends. Just be who you are, get what you want and love yourself more.

You are worthy, you are beautiful, and you are loved.

Remember that.


Photo provided by pexels.


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